I look back at the high-school version of myself and think, boy, who was she?
From the ages of seven to eighteen, every weekday started off with the deafening sound of my alarm clock at six thirty sharp and ended with an exhausted face-dunk into my pillows. I had earned the right to be exhausted. From guitar lessons on Monday, Netball training on Tuesday, tutoring sessions on Saturday and an eight a.m. to three p.m. school day, I had incontrovertibly, indisputably earned the right to be exhausted. Yet, I persevered. Every single day, I woke up and began the day with positivity and strength.
So, what changed?
Now as a university student, I look back at her and ask myself, ‘where did I go wrong?’ When did I stop being this motivated, optimistic version and turn into an unambitious, sluggish shell of what used to be?
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t completely blame myself. Life hasn’t been easy on me and I have had to deal with trauma from situations out of my control. Whether it be bad breakups, family feuds, friendships crumbling, physical injuries, I’ve been through the ropes. But when did I lose the willpower, the determination, to break through these shackles and become the version of me that now seems like a distant dream?
It hurts. Thinking of who I could have been. I’m only twenty, but it feels like I’ve breezed past the best years of my life in a mental state of despair. A large part of my daily routine is fighting off the anxiety creeping up on me, telling me I have wasted my life and all that is waiting is a bleak, dark future. Procrastination is second nature now. Investing time into work or sports, everything which used to excite me, now seems futile. In high-school, I used to hate Chemistry. Moles, complex compounds, activation rates did a real number on me. I cannot express to you how many times I invented new illnesses just to skip Chemistry class. Despite that, I still did the homework, the classwork, the exam preparation. Now, I am studying a degree that I love and I can’t even bring myself to attend lectures. Subconsciously I know that I am throwing away everything that I worked so hard to achieve, from the late nights cramming for exams to doing multiple extracurricular activities for extra credit.
I guess I’ve just learned to live with the guilt.
I want to change. I want to feel excited again. I want to do the little things again, from waking up early to attending lectures to joining sports teams. I want to do something meaningful with my life. It doesn’t feel like I’m living life. It feels like I’m letting life pass me by.
The question is, how do I change?
If you have any suggestions, please comment and let me know. It might just change my life.
