The Art of Being Unbothered — My Own Experience and a Self-Help Guide
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
You probably clicked on this article because you are bothered about what others say about you, what others think about you, and how it emotionally drains you. I am here to tell you, from one bothered person to another — it doesn’t matter.
Throughout my entire life, I have been so invested in other people and their perception of me, that I have wasted more time trying to change their opinion of me rather than doing things that make me happy. I have repeatedly mulled over negative reactions and attitudes that I cannot control. The journey of learning to be unbothered has taught me one important thing — you cannot change other people, you can only change yourself. It isn’t easy to detach yourself from the negative emotions and bitter feelings, but the content and peaceful feeling that comes from within your soul once you do this will make you never look back.
Step 1: Understand what events cause you stress and anxiety. Are you consistently torturing yourself for every little mistake you have made? Are you grasping on to resentment towards those that have wronged you? Or are you feeling powerless, like you have lost control over your life and are letting the world pass you by? You are not the only one plagued with the curse of overthinking. It is a natural human tendency. Take a deep look into the events which create bitter feelings within you, and realise the harm it is causing you. Much like the quote above, harbouring negative feelings will only impact you, not anyone else. We only have one life, so why spend most of it trying to undo mistakes you can’t change, or pleasing people who don’t deserve your time? You only need to please yourself.
Step 2: Ignore. I know it’s easier said than done. I tried to ignore people numerous times, but it always ended up with me spiralling into the same routine — reading their social media comments, eyeing their relationship with others, hearing gossip about me and letting it get to me. It wasn’t easy. But once I started to actively ignore their comments, messages, posts, I felt free. It felt like a heavy brick had been lifted off my head. And then I realised — why was I trying so hard to gain approval and friendship from someone who doesn’t care about me? I have my family and friends who do care for me, who go the extra mile to make me happy. Even if it’s just one friend, that’s all you need. Not only did I feel elevated, but ignoring people led to them wanting my approval, and getting upset when I didn’t respond to them. If you matter to them, they will make the effort, and if they don’t, cutting them out of your life is the best thing you could ever do for yourself.
Step 3: Realise that it is okay to remove people from your life. You are more important. If someone doesn’t serve you, if they drain your energy rather than allowing you to blossom, they don’t deserve to be in your life. I am a very giving person. Even if I am on bad terms with someone, the minute they are struggling, I will pour my heart and soul into helping and loving them, even if it starts suffocating me. When you keep giving love without receiving any, you’re draining your own energy and bliss. Over your lifetime, you will cut many friends out of your life, you will have those difficult conversations where you decide if this friendship benefits you, and you will go through periods of uncertainty, doubt, anger, sadness. It’s normal. It’s okay to grieve, and it’s okay to feel somber losing someone who wasn’t good for you. Because they were once an integral part of your life. But after the grieving period, it is crucial to surround yourself with people who make you feel confident, valued, and loved.
Step 4: Live for you. Do what gives you joy. Live to serve yourself. If a situation doesn’t serve you, walk out. At the end of your life, you don’t ever want to look back and regret sacrificing your happiness to please someone else. Find your purpose in life, and make it your goal to achieve it. You will face opposition. There will be nights that you can’t stop crying, days where you can’t get out of bed. Those days will be the most important, because that is when things are falling apart all around you, and you have to get back up on your two feet. The largest life lessons are learnt during the toughest of times. So don’t count your worth based on the compliments you receive or what you have achieved. Instead, measure your strength from the days you felt broken and crumbled yet still managed to pick yourself up and come this far.
Step 5: Be kind. You have been in a position where you held resentment and bitterness due to other people. You know the pain that comes from others’ actions. That is why you need to wake up every day, and actively try to be kind. Words hurt. Don’t let your words hurt anyone else, because you don’t know the impact one sentence can have on someone else’s life. Be kind to others, but also be kind to yourself. I love to argue — I physically can’t help it. I need to win every argument, put my point forward in every situation. But over the past few months, I have learnt that it’s okay to not react. It’s okay if you don’t win every battle, and if you’re not always right. Just breathe. Take a deep breath, and ask yourself if the situation is worth your time and energy. If it isn’t, walk away. Don’t get involved. You will be so much happier.
Never underestimate your worth. I don’t even know you, but I know that you are valued, and you are loved. This journey isn’t easy, but it isn’t meant to be. Not everyone can be unbothered, because overthinking and overanalyzing is a built-in mechanism. I know how emotionally draining it is to put everyone else on such a high pedestal, to want everyone’s approval, and to make everyone happy. But I can’t, and neither can you. Even if you do everything right, there will always be one person who finds a fault and uses it to criticise you. So stop caring about whether your actions are ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Do they make you content? Do they bring you joy and energy? If so, you’re on the right path.
